October 8, 2014
Trap her with some red snapper
A red snapper walked into the social club wearing a three-piece suit, a pocket watch sticking out of his waistcoat. All the ladies heads turned, enthralled by this sexy piece of manfish. Who was he to deny the unwavering lust of the cougars that scratched and pulled each others’ hair to get a taste? When the dust settled, every lady was smoking a post-coital cigarette. The red snapper was nowhere to be seen, but would not soon be forgotten. ìWhat’s the lesson?î you ask. Make an impression, own the room, and you too will be devoured with the right amount of umph. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, calivirgin, cougar, crushed red chili flakes, dapper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon red snapper recipe, libido, manfish, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pocket watch, post-coital, recipe, red snapper, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, so dapper red snapper, tasty, three-piece suit, umph, waistcoat, yummy, zest | 
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Posted by cooktobang
October 6, 2014
The tower of taters will tell you no lie, except “Of course I’m single.”
My first professional cooking gig was at a Moroccan restaurant. I ate there while in college and I asked the waiter if they were hiring. The owner met me at the end of the dinner and asked if I could start tomorrow. Suddenly employed, I was thrown into the fire sink or swim. Lucky for all parties involved (my readers included), I swam mightily against the current heavily spiced by turmeric. Beyond the lessons I learned prepping the same dish 200 times in an evening, there were the waitresses. These girls acrobatically poured sweet Moroccan tea into cups balanced on their heels. You can imagine the possibilities afforded by such flexibilities. The floor was there domain; but the kitchen was my domain. I was the gatekeeper to tantalizing scents emanating from the kitchen. Despite all the heavily spiced Cornish game hens or complicated dishes like bastella, the simple Moroccan-style potato salad I made sealed the deal. There was way mo rockin’ with customers gone and the “privacy please” sign on the supply room door. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, Middle Eastern, Moroccan, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, bastella, Cornish game hens, delicious, DIY, easy, food, food service industry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mo’ rockin’ Moroccan potato salad, Moroccan potato salad recipe, morocco, naked, onion, parsley, potato salad, recipe, red potato, restaurant, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, toss my salad, turmeric, vegetable oil, waitress, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 3, 2014
Butterball butternut bust-a-nut
Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, butter-my-nuts squash soup, butternut squash, butternut squash soup recipe, calivirgin, Canada, classy, coconut milk, curry powder, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gold medal, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homeboy, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, humanity, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, oh Canada, olive oil, Olympics, onion, Ottawa, palette, personality, philosophers, readership, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex-addled, soup, specimen, tasty, Vancouver, vegan, vegetable stock, vegetarian, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 25, 2014
It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.
You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue. The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich. No siree! We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution. Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations. Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down. But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway. Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want. This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air. This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off. What are you waiting for? Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »
7 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: bacon, bang, banging, brie, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, English muffin, evolution, fast, fig jam, food, freezer, fruit, game changer, genitals, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, kiwi melt in your mouth recipe, kiwi melt recipe, libido, mack, melty, naked, new zealand, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, tasty, tasty temptation, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 19, 2014
You won’t need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride
Olga came in a box, bubble-wrapped like a porcelain doll, holes punched into it so she could breathe. The shady website I bought her off of had to be translated by my sketchy coworker Sergei. I was $60 lighter, but now I had someone living in my house who did everything I pleased. And we’re not just talking washing dishes after one of my cooking frenzies! What made it all worth it, besides the commie sex of course, was that she had a white Russian prepared for me as soon as I came home from work. To this day, I have never found anyone who could make the drink half as well as my little Olga. What happened to her you ask? Turns out it was all a scam so she could steal my identity and my collection of baseball cards. I don’t even think Olga was her real name. Those rascally Russians! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES, russian | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, baseball cards, beverage, booze, commie, delicious, direct, DIY, drinks, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, identity theft, intercourse, Kahlua, kitchen, libation lubrication, libido, mail order bride, milk, naked, Olga, online, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, Sergie, sex, soviet, tasty, vodka, White Russian recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 10, 2014
Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!
This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune. Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily! I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever. Healthy food is always the sexiest. We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution. Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture. It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack. This simple sauté recipe should set you right. But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow. Now get roasting, my health-minded friends. I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, calivirgin, carbohydrates, crack, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low-carb, naked, non-processed, olive oil, parmesan cheese, recipe, red cabbage, roast, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti squash, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish
The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | greek, LEAFY & LOVELY, Mediterranean, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Athena, Athens, balsamic vinegar, bang, cucumber, delicious, Dionysius, dish, easy, fast, feta cheese, game changer, garlic, get laid, going Greek, gourmet, Greece, Greek dressing, Greek salad, Greek salad recipe, green pepper, guarantee, healthy, healthy salad, heart healthy, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lunch, meal, Mediterranean, naked, oregano, recipe, red onion, romance, salad, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, yummy, Zeus | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 29, 2014
If this can’t breathe some heat into your fall…you best get used to a cold empty bed.
Hold on tight to the memories. The warmth of the air made it unnecessary for people to wear layer upon layer of clothing. Summer flings are winding down, or in some cased winding up…for the long winter that lies ahead. Bikinis and mankinis are being put away in boxes to collect dust, dry as a bone. Can you blame us for being a tad wistful over the season we left behind? Fall’s great with the accessories (I’m partial to sweaters), but just for now, with this pineapple in my hand, I’m keeping things warm and shimmery. The succulent pineapple meat charred over fire sends me right back to that moment on the beach, laying post-coital on a hammock with a local lovely feeding me freshly grilled pineapple. So yeah, bring your own special memory of summer back with a vengeance. Chances are the lucky someone you grill this pineapple for has their own wicked summer senses to reignite. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | asian, Caribbean, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, barbecue sauce, bbq, Bbq pineapple recipe, bbq sauce, bikini, char, charcoal, coleman, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill, grilled pineapple recipes, guarantee, hammock, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, last gasp, libido, local, mankini, marinade, memories, naked, pineapple, post-coital, propane, recipe, savory, seduce, SEDUCTION, sense, sex, side dish, succulent, summer, sweet, tasty, wicked, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!
DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang. Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler. But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go. Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend. The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels. Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains. I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Balsamic strawberry recipe, balsamic vinegar, bang, berries, citrus, delicious, dessert, easy, fast, fructose, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hand feed, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, naked, powdered sugar, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, simple, strawberries, strawberry dessert recipe, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.
Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller. Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special. All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged. So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power. The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium. Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, broil, brown, butter, Cajun, delicious, diamond, DIY, easy, fancy, feller, fill, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golf cart, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, indulge, intercourse, John d. Rockefeller, kitchen, lemon, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, onion, oysters, oysters bang-a-feller recipe, oysters Rockefeller recipe, parsley, plutonium, recipe, rich, rolex, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, spinach, supernova, tasty, wealthy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 