August 7, 2015
How about a hot date on your plate?
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)
Step 1
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
Step 3
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.
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Posted by cooktobang
July 16, 2015
Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!
Don’t mess with Octopussy. That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact. But that was before she went through the Bond rotation. Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs. That’s where I came in. She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose. All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour. But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor. So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader. It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy. Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees. That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy. One bite and she was hooked. We banged until her ego was restored. And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: assassins, bang, basil, bloodthirsty, bond girl, brown sugar, charred octopus recipe, Charred octopus salad recipe, cherry tomatoes, crushed red pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, female army, fish sauce, floating palace, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, healthy, homemade, Ian Fleming, intercourse, james bond, kitchen, lemon juice, lettuce, manatee, mango, naked, octopus, octopus salad, octopussy, olive oil, recipe, salad, seduce, sex, tasty, villainess, world domination, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 7, 2015
Sweet, spicy, totally macho.
I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cold soup, cucumber, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, kool-aid man, latin, libido, Mediterranean, mini-skirts, muy macho papaya gazpacho, naked, nymphs, olive oil, papaya, papaya gazpacho recipe, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, refreshing, river-dance, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sourdough bread, speed metal, summer, tasty, tomato juice, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 17, 2015
BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked
This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, barbecue chop chicken salad, bbq chop chicken salad recipe, bbq sauce, bbw, BBW BBQ Chop Chicken Salad recipe, big beautiful women, black beans, breast, calorically-challenged, chicken, cilantro, corn, creamy, delicious, DIY, dreamy, dressing, easy, fiber, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, great personality, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, ranch dressing, recipe, romaine, roughage, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tortilla chips, toss my salad, tossed salad, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction
Welcome to the big time, my friends. This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare. But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam. Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you. If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor. This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity. But I digress. The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion. The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point). Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials. To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, basil, bbq, black pepper, brown sugar, delicious, dijon mustard, easy, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled halibut, grillin' like a villain, halibut, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, main course. Sarah Palin, marinade, naked, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, soy sauce, tarragon, Worcestershire sauce | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!
Holy shit, bra! Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo? I mean like wow, man! Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off. At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius. They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo. I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day. They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart. Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, mexican, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: acid, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black beans, bohemian, Bonaroo, burrito-sized tortillas, concert parking lot, dank organic veggie burritos recipe, degenerate, delicious, DIY, easy, fajita seasoning, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, green bell pepper, guarantee, healthy, henna tattoo, hippie, hippies, homemade, intercourse, jam bands, kitchen, lettuce, libido, long hair, naked, olive oil, onion, organic, orgy, Phish, prius, recipe, red bell pepper, rice, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smelly, tasty, tomato, Toyota, vegan, vegetarian, veggie burrito recipe, veggie wrap recipe, Widespread Panic, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that
Bing bang boom! When you hear that sound, you know it’s on. It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus. They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want. Don’t question the logic. Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH! There’s no need to say anything. The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you. Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands. See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, Arabic, bang, banging, basil, delicious, DIY, easy, elysian fields, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hummunna hummunna hummus recipe, intercourse, Israeli, kitchen, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, Palestinian, pita bread, puree, recipe, red pepper hummus recipe, roasted red peppers, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 16, 2015
This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!
These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor. They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening. Not on my watch! Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor. That is where these potatoes come in. It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining. If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits. Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, black pepper, Brain, butter, cheese, crybaby, dairy, delicious, DIY, dr. claw, easy, explosion, flavor, food, fox news, game changer, garlic, get laid, glenn beck, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Inspector Gadget, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, milk, mini potatoes, mission, naked, oral, oral tater-splosions, parmesan, pleasure, real American hero, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-destruct, sex, shadowy government organization, soot, tasty, toe-curling, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, costa rican, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: avocado, bang, costa rica, costa rican, delicious, dinner, DIY, dolphin fish, easy, entree, fajitas, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, impressive, intercourse, kitchen, limejuice, Mahi mahi recipe, main course, naked, olive oil, onion, pan seared mahi mahi, papaya salsa, pepper, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, salt, sautéed vegetable, seafood, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 19, 2015
A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider. Read the rest of this entry »
18 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, bedroom skills, black pepper, calivirgin, civil rights, collard greens, crushed red chili flakes, culinary seduction, decider, delicious, DIY, easy, equal rights, equality, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hedonism, homemade, I have a dream, intercourse, kitchen, libido, martin luther king jr., mlk, naked, olive oil, recipe, red onion, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, south, southern, superhuman, tasty, unfathomable, Washington memorial, wet dream, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 