April 17, 2009
Sex you can, yes you can!
Buenas noches, senoritas! There is plenty of room at mi casa y mi cama for a little bit of this and a whole lot of that. Considering how simple, fast and cheap these pizzas are to create, we can make them all night long. So feel free to invite some of your sexy amigas along. I’m selfless enough to share myself with all of you. It’s what Jesus would have done. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Screaming “Oh God!” or “Dios mio!” into the night demonstrates family values. So let’s do our part. Together we can make this world a more pleasurable place.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or tequila
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 medium-sized flour tortillas
2. ½ can of black beans
3. 1 jalapeño de-seeded chopped
4. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
5. 2 handfuls of shredded jack cheese
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 sprinkles of Menudo mix
Step 1
Preheat an oven or toaster oven to 375 degrees F. Use a fork to spread out a ¼ can of black beans on each tortilla, using as little of the bean liquid as possible. Scatter the jalapeño and tomato evenly over the beans. Place the cheese evenly above and crown it with a sprinkle of menudo mix.
Step 2
Throw the Mexican pizzas in the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the tortillas brown and harden (approx 12 minutes). Remove from the oven and artfully place the avocado slices over the pizzas and chop into quarters and serve. Ole!
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, italian, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, black beans, Buenos noches, cheap, Christian, dairy, delicious, dios mio, DIY, easy, family values, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño tomato, jesus, kitchen, menudo mix, mexican, Mexican pizza recipe, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, senoritas, sex, sex you can, tasty, tortilla crust, tortilla recipe, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 16, 2009
Ramen on and on and on!
So you are ready to throw down for the hot number you got lined up. The only problem is your wallet’s emptier than a beauty queen’s head. Fear not for money will be the least of your worries tonight. Your mind will be occupied debating which gravity-defying position to try next. This dish will bring your dates back to their starving student days when they would put out after two red keg cups and an inquiry about their major. Those collegiate memories still rattle like a tower of beer cans knocked over in a hung-over stupor. Embrace this turbo-diesel version of ramen with flamboyant flavor you won’t find in one of those tumor-inducing MSG packets. You will have to settle for fresh vegetables and a gingerific aphrodisiac payload. And if I were you, I’d change out of that toga before you head to work the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or Sake
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of chili sauce
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
4. 2 packets of dry ramen
5. 1 egg
6. 1 bell pepper cut into strips
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a lime of juice
9. 1 large handful of fresh chopped GINGER
10. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Place the dried ramen (discard flavor pack) in a bowl and add the hot water. Cover the bowl for 3 minutes, break up the bunched noodles with a fork, and then drain them in a colander.
Step 2
Warm up the vegetable oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-high heat. Stir-fry the ginger and onions (approx 3 minutes); add the bell peppers (approx 2 minutes) and mushrooms (approx 2 minutes). Kick up the flavor with the soy sauce and chili sauce.
Step 3
Dump the ramen into the veggies and mix it all up. Squeeze in the limejuice. Crack an egg in the center of the noodles, allowing it to cook (approx 1 minutes) before stirring it into the ramen. Serve it up like a Samurai warrior of lust.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, beauty queen, bell pepper, broke, cheap, chili sauce, college, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, egg, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, keg, kitchen, lime, major, msg, mushrooms, naked, onion, ramen, Ramen stir-fry recipe, recipe, rock, rock your ramen all night long, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy ramen, stir-fry noodles, tasty, university, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 9, 2009
Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?
This pineapple before you was the last know residence of one Spongebob Squarepants. The market ran out of pineapple I needed for this ridiculous rice dish and impressing my hot date called for desperate measures. So I improvised. You know Spongebob wouldn’t mind helping Patrick Star get laid if he wanted to bang a whorish whale or hammerhead hottie. So I figured that the courtesy would be extended to me since I’ve watched enough episodes to render me with the maturity of a 12-year-old. The only problem is I then used the spongy little bastard to scrub the wok. Spongebob’s usual giggle was replaced by a gurgle. But I know in his heart he was happy to aid my Cook to Bang quest. But don’t worry. I replaced his pineapple house with an empty vodka bottle. The sponge is soaking up liquor fumes as we speak.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: A beer or a SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of basmati rice
2. 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
3. 1 tablespoon of curry paste
4. 1 pineapple
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. 1 LEEK chopped
7. ½ pound of chicken cut into bite-sized pieces
8. 1 egg
9. 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash the rice in the sink. Fill up a pot with the 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water. Bring water to a boil on high heat, and then turn the heat down and simmer covered until the rice absorbs the water (approx 15 minutes).
Step 2
Split the pineapple length-wise. Use a pairing knife to cut out the meat from the middle, but leave enough around the edges so it holds it’s form. Chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.
Step 3
Heat the oil in a large deep pan or wok on high heat. Toss the garlic, ginger and leeks and cook down (approx 2 minutes). Add the curry paste and pineapple and stir in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Mix in the rice thoroughly, stir in the coconut milk and finally crack the egg over and mix it in.
Step 4
Scoop the rice into the hollow pineapple halves until the overflow like a mound above the fruit’s lip. Cover the stuffed pineapples with tinfoil and bake through in the oven (approx 20 minutes). Serve up on a plate with your favorite ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked pineapple rice, bang, basmati rice, bikini bottom, citrus, curry paste, delicious, easy, fried pineapple rice, fried rice, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hammerhead, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nickelodeon, Patrick star, Pineapple rice recipe, recipe, seduce, sex, spicy, spongebob squarepants, tasty, thai, tropical, vegetable oil, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2009
Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!
From here it looks pretty damn good. Firm and spankable for sure. What? I can’t help admiring your fine posterior. You’ve been blessed. That DOES NOT make me a pervert! I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes. Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone! Check out my amazing ass!” So there. You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot. Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering. Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy. Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that. He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon. Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives
Step 1
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces. Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down. Chop the olives up finely. Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes). Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes). Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Step 3
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Step 4
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly. Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, avocado, bang, black pepper, bum, butt, check out that ass, chicken salad, delicious, derrière, DIY, easy, endive, fuji, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Gourmet Chicken salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, khaki cargo pants, kitchen, limejuice, mayonnaise, milk way galaxy, naked, nice ass, pine nuts olives, posterior, recipe, red wine vinegar, seduce, sex, space chickens, spankable, tasty, universe, white meat, yummy, zagat, zorvax | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!
Can you feel the rhythm? It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome. Feel it flow out to every point in your body. You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom. There is nothing either of you can do but let go. Dance, fool, dance! Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together. The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so. It is for your benefit that you carry on. This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of. The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy. My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal. No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely. Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes). Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes). Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact. Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, boom shalaklak boom, chicken broth, crackle, delicious, DIY, easy, flavorful, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, house of pain, intercourse, kitchen, leek, legal, low fat, metronome, mushroom soup, naked, olive oil, pop, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, sherry, shitake, Shroom shalaklak boom soup recipe, shrooms, snap, soup, tasty, walnuts, warm, white mushrooms, wild mushroom soup recipe, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 27, 2009
Lick it before you stick it!
Agreed. They are addictive. Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down. It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway. You may not want to go on without it. You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here. The street value is ridiculous. That is how these good baked garlic fries can be. My advice is to get your date hooked. Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore. They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix. I mean ANYTHING. Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse. But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.
*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
Step 2
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
Step 3
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them. Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking. The fries will be crisp and slightly browned. Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!
Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan
3 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, baked, baked garlic fries, bang, black pepper, carbohydrates, carbs, crack, crack ho, crack whore, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, French fries, game changer, garlic, Garlic French fries recipe, garlic fries, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lickable, lower fat, naked, not fried, olive oil, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, stinking rose, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!
My honey’s got it going on. She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby! You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up. Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots. Hot damn! We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free. No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules. The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up. It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors. So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can. It will be our little secret.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact. Cut the smaller slivers off each core. Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat. Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey. Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid. Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside. Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
Leave a Comment » | british, fusion, greek, healthy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: apples, baked, bang, calorie police, cinnamon, clove, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, flavor fantasies, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, healthy baked apples, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, low fat, naked, plain yogurt, recipe, rub down, secret, seduce, sex, Spice baked apples recipe, spicy, sweet, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 25, 2009
There's a nympho mermaid off the starboard bow!
Hop into my endive boat and we can sail away to an island far far away. The boat is fully loaded with all manner of extravagances. A team of attentive monkey butlers who are never too busy making us fresh fruit SMOOTHEES to rub our bunions staffs the boat. Did I mention we have a smiling octopus captaining the ship? Seven tentacles control every aspect of the ship, leaving the last tentacle to sip MOJITOS. We can shuffleboard the afternoon away against our robotic arm competition. A chorus of endangered and extinct songbirds will serenade us while we dance the night away on the deck with lightning bugs setting the mood. I bet you never thought all this could be possible from a little finger food. Ye of little faith! Accept that this appetizer shall get your date in the mood to sail away to Pleasure Island this night. Ahoy there!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITO or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
2. 1 pear
3. 1 handful of raw walnuts
4. Small handful of Roquefort cheese
5. 1 large red endive
Step 1
Wash the endive thoroughly. Chop the stalk off and separate out the intact leafs to fill like boats. Cut off narrow pear strips that can fit inside the endive boats.
Step 2
Use a butter knife to fill each endive boat with Roquefort cheese. Place pieces of walnut over the cheese, followed by a slice of pear. Once they are all assembled, drizzle the honey evenly over the filled endive boats and serve.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizers, bang, bend over, bleu cheese, captain, delicious, DIY, easy, endangered, endive, Endive appetizer recipe, endive boat party, endive finger food recipe, extinct, finger food, fruit smoothees, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, island, kitchen, lightning bugs, monkey butlers, naked, nibbles, nipplers, octopus, pear, pleasure island, recipe, robots, Roquefort cheese, seduce, sex, shuffleboard, shuffleboard. Robots, songbirds, tasty, tentacles, walnut, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!
Yeah, you heard me! Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray! You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts. What? Well that was consensual! Very very consensual! Oh, and that other time. You got me there. But that was just to draw a laugh. No, I’m not messing with you. You can’t blame me for that! It was a double dog dare! And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number. I cooked for her too. We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle. But she insisted. I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events. So once again, I’m not in the wrong. You are! Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs? I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes). Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes). Set aside.
Step 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente. Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up. Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bang, basil, black pepper, breasts, broccoli, cavalier, chicken, chicken breasts, consensual, crushed red pepper, defend, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fisticuffs, fondle, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, honor, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon juice, Lemon pepper chicken pasta recipe, lemon pepper chicken recipe, let my people go, mediteraenan, mushrooms, naked, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, tomatoes, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 21, 2009
Don't be a slob, bob on my knob!
You read that right. Why pussyfoot around the subject when we all know what this is about? Sweet action satisfaction! This cobbler is sure to earn you the type of brownie points you can cash in for attention of the oral kind. Of course I’m talking about having your date hand feed you cobbler. What? You thought I was being inappropriate and crass? Me? A guy who writes a recipe blog called Cook To Bang? Get your filthy mind out of the gutter! I am merely trying to provide my beloved readers with upright (or is it uptight?) family values recipes to bring to their Bible groups. And lord knows this dessert is sure to get your date to scream out, “Oh God!”
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Dust off that bottle of wine and get to the banging already!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup of oats
2. 3 tablespoons of brown sugar
3. 2 handfuls of mango chunks
4. 1/3 of a stick of butter
5. 1 handful of shelled pistachios
6. 1 tablespoon of flour (not pictured, sue me)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Create the crust by melting the butter in a small pot on medium heat. Dump in the brown sugar and stil until it becomes like molasses. Dump in the oats and pistachios and allow the butter and sugar to cook into them (approx 1 minutes). Mix in the flour, stir for a moment, and then turn off the heat.
Step 2
Stuff the mango chunks into 2 small oven-safe bowls or ramekins. Use a spoon to lay the crusts over the top of each bowl and press down so it is all contained. Place these into the oven with something underneath like a baking sheet to catch any spillage. Bake until the crust hardens and caramelizes (approx 40 minutes), then remove from oven, allow to cool, and serve up. Bonus points if you listen to Depeche Mode a la mode while you eat it
2 Comments | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, baked mango, bang, bible studies, brown sugar, butter, delicious, depeche mode, DIY, easy, flour, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mango chunks, Mango cobbler recipe, mango crisp recipe, mango dessert, naked, oats, oh god, oral, oven, pistachios, recipe, seduce, sex, slob on my knob, sweet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 