November 26, 2015
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
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holidays, SEDUCTION, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: appetizers, bang, banging, bangsgiving, delicious, dessert, DIY, drinks, easy, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, little orphan annie, naked, orphans, recipe, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dishes, sides, soup, starters, tasty, unsalted vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 25, 2015
I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!
Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families. These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes. There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting. That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07. Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG
Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C. Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.
Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree. Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.
Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top. Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.
Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top. Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).
Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo. You’re that good!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, holidays, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, THANKSGIVING, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac pumpkin pie, bake, bang, banging, bangsgiving, brown sugar, cinnamon stick, condensed milk, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggs, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, gourmet pumkin pie recipe, ground nutmeg, guarantee, homemade, homemade pumpkin pie, honey, humpin’ and pumkin pie recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, merry mistakes, naked, orphan thanksgivings. homesick, pie crust, pie pumkin, pine nuts, pumpkin pie recipe, recipe, salt, savvy, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sue-ellen, sweet, tasty, THANKSGIVING, unsalted butter, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 24, 2015
I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, holidays, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, THANKSGIVING, vegetarian | Tagged: accident, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bangsgiving, black pepper, cream in your pants, cream in your pants spinach recipe, creamed spinach recipe, dairy, decadent, delicious, DIY, easy, fattening, flavor orgy, food, friends thanksgiving, friends with benefits, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, gourmet creamed spinach recipe, guarantee, guest of honor, heavy cream, holiday hotties, holidays, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, nutmeg, orgasm, pg-rated, pine nuts, premature ejaculation, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexual organs, shallots, side dish, spinach, symphony of sensuality, tasty, THANKSGIVING, turkey, unsalted butter, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 23, 2015
Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump. Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again. The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough. It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms. Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).
Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min). Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).
Leave a Comment » | holidays, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: 1940’s, bang, banging, beta-carotene, black pepper, brown sugar, butter, calivirgin, candied carrots recipe, carrots, cinnamon, citrus, cumin, delicious, DIY, dreamy, easy, food, frosty the snowman, game changer, get laid, glazy, gourmet, gourmet candied carrots, grandma, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jazzmen, juice, kitchen, libido, marinate, naked, nightclubs, olive oil, orange, randy, Randy candied carrots, recipe, roast, salt, sauté, savory, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spasming, sweet, tasty, utilitarian, vitamin c, yummy, zest | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 20, 2015
There's so much to be thankful for...give some banging in return.
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion. This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off. The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over. Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage. Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it. These go down smooth so be careful. You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
4. Ice
5. 2 cinnamon sticks
Step 1
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it. Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down. Become that drunken clown!
1 Comment | fusion, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, bangsgiving, bangsgiving bevvy, booze, cinnamon sticks, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, family, fantasizing, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, genitals, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, high school crush, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homecoming, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, oblivion, old friends, parents, pear nectar, pumpkin butter, pumpkin martini recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shaken not stirred, tasty, thanksgiving dinner, thanksgiving martini recipe, the new you, unsalted vegetarian, vanilla vodka, walk of shame, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2015
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must). Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs. Mix thoroughly.
Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.
I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 13, 2015
Eat until they’re cute!
Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab. Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye. But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked. We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something. Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”. Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression. When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos. Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas
Step 1
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.
Step 2
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil. Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease. Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.
Step 3
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.
Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beached whale, beer-battered fish taco recipe, beer-goggled fish tacos, beer-goggles, booze, cayenne pepper, cheap beer, corn tortillas, deep-fry, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, fish tacos recipe, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hangover, homely, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mango salsa, mexican, mexico, mistake, naked, plus-sized, rebuilding season, recipe, red snapper, rock fish, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded cabbage, shredded coconut, spelunking, sports franchise, tasty, tilapia, tomato, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2015
Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup
Nothing can top a good leeking. Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters. And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love. No, siree! This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on. To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST. After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life. Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost. So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies. We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards. As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately. So let one lead into the other. This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, winter | Tagged: bacon, bang, brown sugar, butter, comfort food, delicious, easy, flavorful, fresh, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy potato leek soup, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, leeking, low fat, naked, old man winter, olive oil, Potato leek soup recipe, potatoes, recipe, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, soup group, stew, tasty, therapeutic, turkey bacon, vegetable stock, vegetarian, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2015
Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!
So it’s game day. Are you ready for some football? Damn straight! Do you have your jersey? Check! Beer helmet? Mos def! The case of brewskies? You know it? The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party? Wait, what? You do know that the game starts in an hour, right? Oh, &$%#! Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you. This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser. You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room. Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, sports, Super bowl, winter | Tagged: baked, baked chicken tenders, bang, bread crumbs, breaded, breading, Cajun seasoning, chicken breasts, chicken nuggets recipe, Chicken tenders recipe, delicious, easy, finger food, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, football, game, game changer, game day, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier, healthy, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, mayonnaise, naked, nfl, not fried, nugget, parmesan, party, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, snack, sports, Super bowl, tailgate, tailgating, tasty, tender, white meat, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 