March 19, 2009
Hard to the Soft-Core!
A naysayer would say all porn is smut. They wouldn’t distinguish between hardcore and soft-core porn. The nuances are missed. Soft and hardcore each have their time and place and both share a clear business plan. How many big corporations can so clearly define their prime directive? I am all for a little soft-core with its sweet, half-baked romances that lead to tedious T&A on satin sheets without revealing anything more than the viewer’s frustration. And hardcore certainly has inspired some adventures unmentionable anywhere but a confession booth (sorry, Father O’Hanrahan). But choosing between soft-core and hardcore eggs, I prefer soft. The ooey gooey soft-boiled yolk reminds me of simpler times when all I needed was Skinemax to get me through desperate times in high school. But being an adult does have some perks. I can choose between soft and sticky or the hard and icky. Breakfast…it’s all about choices.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: A NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI or a SMOOTHEE OPERATOR
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Salt to taste
2. Pepper to taste
3. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
4. 2 eggs
5. 2 slices of bread
6. Butter for two pieces of toast
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Add the two eggs and boil for 5 minutes, then place them in a bowl of cold water to cool, before placing an egg in a shot glass (or other small container).
Step 2
Toast the two slices of bread, spread butter on them, and then quarter the toast. Crown each quarter with a slice of avocado and set them on a plate surrounding each egg as if it were a god.
Step 3
Use the side of a spoon to whack around the edges of each egg, and then remove the shell top. Add a pinch of salt and your desired amount of pepper on each egg and serve immediately.
Leave a Comment » | 
healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, breakfast, butter, choices, confession, delicious, DIY, easy, easy to clean up, egg, egg dish, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hardcore, healthy, homemade, intercourse, juevo, kitchen, light, morning, naked, pepper, porn, quick, recipe, romance, salt, satin sheets, seduce, sex, Skinemax, soft-boiled, Soft-boiled egg recipe, soft-core, T&A, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!
Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: alfredo sauce, aphrodisiac, artichoke, ballroom, bang, blindfold, cha cha, cheese, creamy, Creamy artichoke chicken recipe, dance, delicious, DIY, drunken monkeys, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, italian, kick game, kitchen, lab monkey, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, pan-steam, parmesan, pre-seasoned chicken breast, recipe, screw the pooch, seduce, sex, strictly ballroom, tasty, turpentine, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky
Desperation leads to innovation. That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish. I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish. But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen. I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper. But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!” So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly. There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment. This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most. My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air. Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth. The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever. It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*
*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine. Save that for the hillbillies.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds
Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water. Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions). Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces. Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up. Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice. Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce. Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, Chinese, costa rican, fusion, RECIPES | Tagged: almonds, bang, bonita, carbohydrates, carbs, carrot, cheap, delicious, desperation, DIY, easy, egg, fast, fried rice recipe, Frisky, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, gumption, hillbillies, homemade, innovation, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, lizano, naked, olive oil, onion, random, raw, recipe, salsa, seasoning, seduce, sex, starch, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, white rice, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 10, 2009
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” said the drunk leprechaun gnawing on a potato.
You have to love the simplicity of the Irish. The simple potato prepared in so many different ways kept a civilization alive, healthy and able to withstand the Roman Empire. Not bad at all. The potato has gotten the Irish through the worst famines, droughts, pestilence and snake invasions. Much props to Saint Patrick for telling those slithery suckers to piss off. So next time you indulge in a potato feast, think about the history of the carbohydrates you are eating. When you’re done with that, pounce on your date and blame your crazy Irish roots, even if you don’t have them.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve this with. If you are eating them solo, celebrate the Irish with a Guinness or whiskey
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 6 red potatoes
3. 1 tablespoon of coarse sea salt
4. 1 small handful of fresh rosemary
5. Pepper to taste (not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash off each potato, then cut them into mouthful pieces.
Step 2
Lay tinfoil over a baking pan. Lay down the olive oil. Toss in the potatoes and crown it all with salt, rosemary and pepper (if you so desire). Toss the potatoes with your hands, ensuring the potatoes are well coated. Throw the pan into the oven and cook until the potatoes brown (approx 25 minutes).
Allow these potatoes to compliment your favorite ENTRÉE and date.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, irish, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, carbohydrates, carboluscious, delicious, DIY, easy, famine, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Guinness, homemade, intercourse, Ireland, irish, kiss me, kitchen, leprechaun, naked, olive oil, recipe, Roast potato recipe, roman empire, rosemary potato recipe, saint Patrick, savory, seduce, sex, side dish, snakes, tasty, whisky, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!
Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists. But what about weapons of mass satisfaction? They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man. I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan. This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven. The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure. Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish. Cook with caution!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs
Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds). Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself. Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter. First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl. Beat the eggs in a second bowl. Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time. Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat. Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil. Repeat as needed.
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants. Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top. Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven. Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes). You are in for a treat! Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
2 Comments | italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: baked, baked eggplant parmesan, bang, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, Eggplant parmesan recipe, eggs, flour, fried eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, Mediterranean, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, onion, oregano, parmesan, parsley, recipe, romantic, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 4, 2009
Send in the Hostess with the Most-Ass!
This dish most definitely boasts the most ass-paragus. Kim Kardashian ain’t got nothing on this dish. Plus this is way better for you than following the exploits of yet another celebutant. No question about it. It packs such a walloping APHRODISIAC punch that the world falls to its knees to service the asparagus’ needs. Behold, if you can handle it. You instantly class up even the most bland and healthy meals. The phytochemicals in this dish nourish even the filthiest minds, bodies and souls. So reignite the passion in your kitchen and go green!
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
2. 1 pound of asparagus
3. Manchego cheese
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Wash off the asparagus and chop the stubby part of the stalks. Cover a bake sheet or pan with tinfoil. Lay out the asparagus neatly with no overlapping. Smother the asparagus with olive oil and roast them in the oven (approx 20 minutes).
Step 2
Once the asparagus is the right soft texture, place them on a serving tray and douse with the balsamic vinegar. Cut up as much manchego cheese as you like and scatter it on top, allowing it to melt a little before serving with a CHICKEN or FISH.
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, ass, bake, baking pan, balsamic vinegar, bang, delicious, DIY, douse, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kim kardashian, kitchen, leafy and lovely, manchego cheese, manchego cheese asparagus, naked, nourish, olive oil, oven, recipe, Roast asparagus recipe, seduce, sex, shred, side dish, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 3, 2009
Angel, devil, these are just words. We're all sinners. Embrace it!
I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations. Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know. But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions. Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me. In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more. Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly. Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are? I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding wine)
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta
Step 1
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta. Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente. Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through. Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE. Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel hair, Angel hair pasta recipe, bang, carbohydrate, carboluscious, cherry tomatoes, delicious, devil, DIY, easy, fast, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, I ain’t no angel, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, simple, simple pasta, starch, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 28, 2009
Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!
Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s. Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean. No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse. Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content? Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties. Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow. Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye. But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture. Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats. Now we can do both. So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios
Step 1
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection. Serve it up cold before things get really hot!
1 Comment | libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: 50’s, awesome, banana, Banana milkshake recipe, bang, blend, creamy, dean martin, delicious, dessert, DIY, donna reed, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet banana milkshake, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, james dean, kitchen, lactose intolerant, letterman jacket, libation, lubrication, malt shop, milk, milk man, naked, nuts, pistachio, poodle skirt, puree, recipe, scotch, seduce, sex, sexual revolution, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2009
Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out
You’ve been rocking that cod all night. Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat. You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet. It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies. Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby! You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose. This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences. Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store. I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO. This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want. I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary? Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.
*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind. Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices. Peel, filet and dice the carrots. Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Step 2
Heat a large pan on medium-high. Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes). Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Step 3
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife). Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it. Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side). Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.
Who’s getting laid tonight? You are!
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, bed of veggies, black cod, black cod recipe, carrot, delicious, DIY, dried porcini mushrooms, easy, fiber, filet, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, naked, olive oil, pepper, porcini mushroom coated fish, Porcini Mushroom coated grilled cod on bed of leeks carrots and Portobello mushrooms, Portobello mushroom, protein, recipe, romantic, salt, sauté, seafood, seduce, sex, shroom coated cod recipe, take to bed, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 11, 2009
Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.
Your favorite childhood treat is back with a black and blueberry attitude. This ain’t your momma’s Rice Krispie Treat. The team of molecular physicists on staff at COOK TO BANG developed a groundbreaking improvement to this noble confectionery. The naysayers who said our research grant money was worse spent than Sarah Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere can suck it. Now that haters are off to ruin someone else’s day, behold: I reveal to you the revolutionary Krispie Treat supercharged with blueberry bomb blasts. The consumer will be too busy rolling their eyes into the back of their heads to notice the antioxidants going to work. Serve these treats to someone you’re sweet on in full confidence that you’re holding your conquest’s health in the utmost regard. It’s low in fat, rich in fiber, and overflowing with awesomeness. Keep in mind you’ll have plenty of leftovers that are great for post-coital snacks or to lure future dates to your place. No blue balls for you, my friend!
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA
Ingredients:
1. 6 cups of Rice Krispies (or generic brand)
2. 10 ounces of marshmallows
3. 1 small container of fresh blueberries
4. ¼ stick of butter
Step 1
Melt the butter completely in a deep pan or pot on low heat. Toss in the marshmallows, and then cook and stir them until they become one big tasty goop (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Turn the heat off and dump in the Krispies and blueberries. Mix them all together thoroughly. Dump them all into a greased baking pan, and pat them down with a spatula (ideally sprayed with cooking spray). Allow them time to cool (approx 30 minutes). Cut up your preferred sized squares and distribute to the beautiful people.
1 Comment | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: antioxidant, bang, berry, blueberry, butter, cookie, crispy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, low fat, lunch, marshmallow, naked, no bake, recipe, refreshing, rice, Rice krispie treat recipe, rice krispie treat with blueberries recipe, sex, snack, sugary, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, treat, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 