April 25, 2011
Oodles of naughty noodles
This salad’s got everything you need for simple satisfaction. I’m talking the whole tit and caboodle. Sure it looks simple, but the flavor shall dance on your tongue and tickle your balls/girly parts. This is a new member of my salad repertoire, but goddamn does it bring out the smiles! Refreshing, light, and totally tasty. Come summertime, you will be glad you have this in your arsenal. Few dishes will refuel as cleanly after sweaty summer sex. You’re welcome! Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, chili, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kit and caboodle, kitchen, leafy, lettuce, libido, light, naked, nuoc cham recipe, orange, recipe, refreshing, repertoire, rice noodles, rice vinegar, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sugar, summer, sweaty summer sex, tasty, tickle your balls, tit and caboodle noodle salad, toss your salad, Vietnam, Vietnamese dipping sauce, Vietnamese noodle salad recipe, water, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 7, 2011
A ha! The Ahi Salad has granted me powers heretofore unattainable!
Congratulations! You have graduated to a higher plane of salad making. Now you refuse to settle for iceberg lettuce smothered in ranch dressing. There is nothing nutritious nor sexy about that blasphemous culinary combination. No, you are a sophisticated salad eater that wants great taste with enough nutrients to allow you to survive a nuclear famine in style. Hopefully the date you have chosen to share this with is on the same page because this salad requires 110% commitment. I have faith that as a reader of COOK TO BANG you are in fact ready to blow them away and get blown in the process. So get down to business and take this radical new approach to salad making. When you become a superhero that can hear a mosquito fart in another state you won’t have to question how this came to be. Just go with it. I’m so <wipes away tear> proud of you! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: Ahi tuna salad recipe, ahi tune steaks, bang, blasphemous, cherry tomatoes, cilantro, DIY, easy, famine, gourmet, green, green onions, healthy, homemade, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, miso dressing, mix greens, mosquito, naked, nuclear, nutritious, olive oil, outstanding, pistachios, salad, seared ahi tuna, sesame seeds, sex, sophisticated, soy sauce, strawberries, superhero | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 8, 2010
Yakety Yakisoba, you sleep over, now bend over!
This sleepover is going to be so much fun! Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls. Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed. But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic Japanese street food. Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military. The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic. Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food. This dish is fast, easy and cheap. No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways. But your date doesn’t need to know that. Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji. Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you. You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite. Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac. Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: asian, bang, cabbage, chicken, cilantro, classy, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, Japanese, kinky, kitchen, mushrooms, naked, noodles, onion, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soba, soy, stir fry, street food, Yakisoba | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 25, 2010
Broc is a lock 'cuz the ladies do flock
When your pad starts to seem like a whorehouse with all the coming and going and more coming, it’s best to treat your body right. At least once in a while anyway. I’m all for the rock ‘n roll indulgences with fatty foods, barrels of booze, and flocks of freaks. But the monk that resides deep within my soul occasionally takes control and screams “Enough, ya heathen!” So I indulge him by taking a night off from the excitement and excess. And then, like Charlie Sheen at Bolivian whorehouse, I’m back to my usual tomfoolery harder and heavier than ever. Now go on and do yourself right before you do someone else right.
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 bunch broccoli
2. 2 tbsp oyster sauce
Step 1
Chop off the bottom of the broccoli stalks so the trees separate. Throw them in boiling water and cook through so they are bright green (approx 3 min). Remove from the broccoli water and toss with oyster sauce. Serve up this mighty fine, healthy side dish with a meaty ENTREE.
Leave a Comment » | asian, Chinese, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: asian, bang, banging, boil, bordello, broccoli, brothel, brothel broccoli break, Charlie sheen, Chinese, Chinese broccoli recipe, Columbian, delicious, DIY, easy, excess, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, heathen, homemade, indulgences, intercourse, kitchen, libido, monk, naked, oyster sauce, recipe, rock and roll, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, tasty, tomfoolery, toss, whorehouse, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 11, 2010
Behold the green love machine bio-diesel (and quite delicious) fuel
I’m not sure what it is about bok choy; I always seem to taste sweet satisfaction when I serve it to the ladies. Perhaps it’s a purely coincidental, somewhat random constant in my life. But I’m not so sure. It could be that it’s classy and reeks of sophistication. The girls I serve it to may sense that I am indeed a well-traveled man of the world. No doubt I was probably an envoy or junior UN ambassador traveling in my own motorcade complete with a bodyguard with an Austrian accent. But my gut tells me it’s a more physiological. Whether it’s the healthy chloroform, delicious taste, or the lovely green color, something magical is happening each time I grab a bok choy off the shelf. Maybe it’s best not to understand one of nature’s best-kept secrets (until now, you’re welcome!). It’s just as well so long as you enjoy the benefits of steamed magic.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or champagne
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp sesame seeds
2. 1 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 bunch bok choy
Step 1
Chop off the base of the boy choy stalk to separate the leaves. Steam until the leaves begin to wilt and turn bright green.
Step 2
Lay the steamed bok choy leaves out wide and separate from each other. Drizzle the honey evenly over the boy choy and then scatter the sesame seeds so they stick to the honey.
Serve this fine veggie side with any number of fish or meat ENTRÉES.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Austrian, bang, banging, benefits, bodyguard, bok choy, chloroform, coincidental, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, motorcade, naked, physiological, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sex to me, sophistication, steam, steamed, sweet, tasty, UN, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Leave a Comment » | asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Asia, asian, atonement, baby bok choy, bang, banging, blaspheme, bukake, delicious, DIY, Don’t be coy book choy, easy, fetish, food, game changer, geisha, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hentai, homemade, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, millenniums, naked, ninja, porn, recipe, sake bombs, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, steamed bok choy recipe, steamy, sumo wrestler, sushi, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, asian, bang, banging, boil, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, cilantro, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, fruit, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, improvised, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, naked cartwheels, naught bits, nude, nuts, onion, papaya, pecans, recipe, rice noodle flakes, sauté, scoop, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy aphrodisiac, spicy papaya noodles recipe, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tasty, thai, thai noodles, thai papaya noodles recipe, Thailand, totally nude-les for papaya, vegetable oil, vegetarian, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 