June 4, 2010
Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.
This final edition in the 2010 CTB Recipe Challenge comes from Karin in Ft. Collins, CO. Here’s to bringing on the foux da fafa French connection. Karin writes:
I satisfy my man with a hearty meal and with his pleasure fulfilled I can be pleased in return. This recipe may seem daunting but believe me it is well worth the foreplay. With the right prep the ‘oven’ does the majority of the work and gives the strength the to keeps everything up all night long and keep the au jus flowing. This recipe is surely is femme fatale. Ooh la la! Read the rest of this entry »
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beef, french, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: au jus, bacon, bang, banging, bay leaf, beef bangin’on recipe, beef bourguignon recipe, black pepper, blanch, calivirgin, carrots, Colorado, contest entry, delicious, DIY, easy, femme fatale, flour, food, foreplay, foux da fafa, France, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Karin, kitchen, libido, ménage a trios, mushrooms, naked, olive oil, onions, protein, recipe, recipe challenge, red meat, red wine, rich, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slow cook, stewing beef, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
May 27, 2010
The tilapia swam through tilabia
This recipe comes from Olly in San Diego, CA. Very inspiring use of potatoes here. Olly writes:
What can I say about this? We got carbs and protein welded together in a half crispy, half tender bump and grind in your mouth. It’s time to cast your rod and catch one of the many fish in the sea. Slather them up with your love potion and show them all the culinary affection you can muster. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, contests, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, ca, California, calivirgin, carbs, crushed red pepper, crust, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian parsley, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, olly, pan-fry, potato-crusted tilapia recipe, protein, recipe, russet potato, san diego, sea salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slather, spicy, steam, tasty, tater tilapia tilabia, tilapia filets, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Step 1
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: adam & eve, aphrodisiac, Babylon, bang, banging, brie cheese, cocktail food, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fig, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hanging gardens, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, knowledge, libido, meat, Mediterranean, naked, original sin, prosciutto fig brie appetizers, prosciutto wrapped figs recipe, proscuitto, protein, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, starters, tapas, tasty, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 28, 2009
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp
First off, my apologies for yesterdays post. I think I ate the brown acid again. As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat. This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department. All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever. Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele. Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp. No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard. A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding. Now get out there and get that money, honey!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min). Chop the asparagus in half.
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon. Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese. Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, basil, brown acid, cat scratch fever, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hos, intercourse, jack cheese, janes, johns, kitchen, lemon, libido, low-carb, naked, olive oil, parsley, penance, pimp, pimp that shrimpy ass-paragus recipe, prostitutes, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, roughage, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp asparagus salad recipe, spinach, tasty, toss your salad, veggies, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2009
Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out
You’ve been rocking that cod all night. Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat. You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet. It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies. Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby! You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose. This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences. Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store. I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO. This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want. I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary? Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.
*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind. Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices. Peel, filet and dice the carrots. Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Step 2
Heat a large pan on medium-high. Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes). Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Step 3
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife). Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it. Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side). Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.
Who’s getting laid tonight? You are!
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, bed of veggies, black cod, black cod recipe, carrot, delicious, DIY, dried porcini mushrooms, easy, fiber, filet, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, naked, olive oil, pepper, porcini mushroom coated fish, Porcini Mushroom coated grilled cod on bed of leeks carrots and Portobello mushrooms, Portobello mushroom, protein, recipe, romantic, salt, sauté, seafood, seduce, sex, shroom coated cod recipe, take to bed, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2009
Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!
A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy
Ingredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread
Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, british, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, egg salad, egg salad recipe, Egg salad sandwich recipe, English, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lime juice, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, protein, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, teatime | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 27, 2008
Break me off some of that morning delight
You don’t often hear people lamenting a lack of carbohydrates in their diet. That mean old Dr. Atkins scared people off from the potato, a respectable source or sustenance that kept the Irish alive through the worst of times. The tater and his friend the loaf of bread hid out in the attic away from the anti-carb Gestapo. The bread and potato would surely have joined their “fattening counterparts” in the trash had they not been convinced they aren’t solely responsible for making people fat. Luckily science has proved carbs innocent since good health requires balance, not extreme diets driven by fear. Potatoes are once again en vogue so I suggest you grab yourself some bounties of the soil. This simple method will allow you plenty of time to cook some eggs or just grope your date. The smell of the roasting potatoes will be too enticing for them to resist.
Ingredients:
1. 1 potato cut into bite-sized pieces
2. 1 onion chopped coarsely
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. Rosemary (fresh if possible)
5. 4 garlic cloves diced
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Arrange the potatoes, onions, garlic evenly around a pan. Crown it all with rosemary, then add the olive oil, and salt to taste. 
Step 2
Cook the potato and friends for 25-30 minutes. You will know they are done when the potatoes have softened and can be easily pierced with a fork. Serve it up to accompany an awesome scramble, compliment a breakfast burrito or throw it at the cult members going door to door trying to convert people on their Saturday mornings.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, breakfast burrito, Breakfast potatoes, carbs, cilantro, compliments, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, onion, onions, potatoes, protein, roast, romance, rosemary, rosemary potatoes, SEDUCTION, set and forget, sex, side dish, simple, sinful, taters | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 26, 2008
Rambling, gambling and scrambling for a little sexy time.
Did the date go better than expected? Has it already been a long morning already with the third round of coed naked Wrestle Mania? You both must be famished and deserve a worthy recharge. Protein and veggies should get you back on track for the afternoon of blowing of errands to go for gold in the one-hour orgasm. Scrambles combine the flavor of the omelet with the simplicity of a boring side of scrambled eggs. It’s chef’s choice in what to toss in the pan with the eggs. There are as many possible combinations of veggies, meats, cheeses and flavor as sexual positions in that perverted mind of yours. Below is essentially a killer combo available in my fridge at the time of creation. My ravenous breakfast companion would have settled for a Pop Tart. But why would I allow such a beautiful beggar to settle for anything less than an edible orgasm?
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 chicken sausage chopped in bite-size pieces
4. 3 eggs
5. 2 handfuls of spinach
6. 6 ½ a red bell pepper diced
7. 1 handful of shredded mozzarella cheese
8. 2 green onions diced
9. ½ a handful of cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Crack the eggs in a bowl, thrown in the salt and the cilantro and beat together.
Step 2
Throw the olive oil in a pan and sauté the green onions and sausage on medium heat until they brown. Add the spinach and red peppers, cooking until the spinach wilts and peppers soften.
Step 3
Pour in the eggs mixture over the sausage and veggies evenly so it creates a circular pancake. Once the eggs harden, mix it all around until cook thoroughly.
Step 4
Turn off the heat, toss the mozzarella over the eggs, and cover with a lid. Give the cheese a minute or so to melt and serve it up with some breakfast potatoes, fruit salad, or the warm embrace of a tortilla.
1 Comment | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, cheese, cilantro, delicious, easy, Egg scramble, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, melt, MORNING WOOD, mozzarella, naked, protein, red pepper, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 25, 2008
The mystique of aphrodisiacs have been cock-blocked by science. But genuine physiological effects that made these ingredients magical in the Ancient World still yield results today. Below is an overview of these gifts from the love gods:
• ARTICHOKES were reserved only for men in 16th Century Europe because of the sexual power they presumably granted. Thanks to modern, science we know they merely freshen your breath and detoxify your liver thanks to the cornucopia of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals packed into every bite.
• ASPARAGUS is a natural Viagra. 17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper hailed asparagus for “stir(ring) up lust in man and woman.” The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.
• AVOCADOS contains fiber, folate, vitamins B6, C and E, beta-sitosterol and glutathione, which can enhance feelings of love and romance. The Aztecs used avocados as a cholesterol-free, sodium-free, sexual stimulant, which just so happens to make most meals from salad to sandwiches taste way sexier.
• BASIL aids circulation, which can stimulate sex drives and increase fertility in women. The scent drives men bat-shit insane so women in ancient times dusted their breasts with powdered basil when they were on the prowl. Hey now!
• BEETS have been used since Roman times to increase male virility due to their high boron content. “Take favors in the beetroot fields” was a popular early 20th Century euphemism for visiting prostitutes.
• BLACK BEANS contain enough protein, fiber and folic acid to get our blood going, plus plenty of the amino acid tryptophan to relax us and get us in the mood.
• CHILES increase your heart rate that can enhance your pleasure receptors and releases endorphins that can make you feel energized or like you’re floating (or banging). No wonder Montezuma drank it in his hot cocoa before paying a visit to his harem.
• CHOCOLATE gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well-being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity.
• COFFEE has similar physiological effects in women that oysters cause in men: it turns them on. The female libido can be supercharged for second and thirds with some caffeinated beans and sensual words. Another cup of Joe, babe?
• FIGS are a killer source of flavonoids, polyphenols, and antioxidants that help you go long and strong. They look like a woman’s unmentionables, symbolized fertility in Ancient Greece and drove Cleopatra randy. Many biblical historians wager that the fig originated in the Garden of Eden. Talk about a forbidden fruit!
• GINGER has turned on most civilizations including the Chinese, Greek, Roman and Indian where it was hailed in the Kama Sutra. The root’s arousing scent and health benefits does a male body good, increasing heart rate and perspiration (like in sex) and gets the blood flowing to your extremities, naughty parts included.
• GRAPES were getting people off way before records were ever kept. Just ask the Egyptians or Greeks or Romans who can attest to the effectiveness of feeding this anti-oxidant finger food to their lovers. And we haven’t even touched on the subject of wine yet!
• HONEY is rich in Vitamin B (root of testosterone) and boron (helps body process estrogen) so both sexes are covered. It was the nectar of Aphrodite and medieval couples would channel their inner Barry White by drinking mead. Why do you think they call it a honeymoon?
• OYSTERS contain high levels of zinc that increase male potency, along with D-aspartic acid and NMDA compounds that can release hormones like testosterone and estrogen. The fact that oysters resemble female genitalia is beside the point.
• PINE NUTS are rich in zinc like oysters and have a long history as a natural Viagra. These magical nuts have been used in medieval European love potions and the beds of Arabian lovers.
• ROSEMARY is high in iron, calcium, and Vitamin B6, which can increase blood circulation to the skin and increase one’s sensitivity to touch. It’s powerful scent plays on our scent memories, the strongest tie to emotional and sexual experience.
• SEAFOOD of any variety has long been considered aphrodisiacs since Ancient Greece because Aphrodite was born of the sea. Beyond tasting amazing, fish and shellfish are rich in protein and omega-3 fatty acids that kick cancer’s ass so surely they can help defeat a little erectile dysfunction.
• STRAWBERRIES are not technically aphrodisiacs, but they are edible valentines shaped like hearts. They were a symbol of the Roman Goddess of love Venus and when dipped in chocolate they legitimately become aphrodisiac city.
• WATERMELON have quantities of citrulline that trigger arginine, quite literally the Viagra chemical that causes blood to flow and libidos to pump. No doubt, the fact that this refreshing fruit contains cancer-fighting nutrients like lycopene and beta-carotene will be lost on most.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, artichoke, asparagus, avocado, bang, basil, beet, black beans, chiles, chocolate, circulation, coffee, delicious, easy, fig, fruit, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, grape, healthy, heart, honey, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, oyster, pine nuts, protein, romance, rosemary, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, strawberries, watermelon | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 